Dear Salmon Canneries,

It would be super awesome if you put a little note on your cans of salmon that said ‘THAR BE BONES IN THIS HERE CAN.’ Because you know what really sucks? Getting ready to make some delicious-ass salmon patties, lovingly mixing all the other ingredients in a bowl, opening a can of salmon and dumping it into the bowl and OH MY GOD THAT’S A BACKBONE.

I read that label twice  to make sure there were no bones. You lie, salmon canning people of Alaska, you lie by omission.

– Me, The Girl Who Ate Potatoes for Dinner Instead

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Dear Elderly Lady Person at Goodwill,

Oh just shut your face. When you stroll by with a cart half full and make a snide comment about how the store is just filled with other people’s junk…oh just shut your face. You are old enough to know better for Pete’s sake.

– The Chick Who Gave You Some Full-On Bitch Face After Hearing Your Ridiculous Remark

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Dear ‘I Put Together Soundtracks for Video Games’ Person,

You are just horrible. I like to think that you mean well, but holy moly. I don’t even play video games, and somehow I learn the words to these songs by osmosis or something.

Here’s a list of my complaints, tentatively titled ‘Songs I Am Much Too White to Be Singing’

– ‘Play That Beat’ by G.L.O.B.E. & Whiz Kid

– ‘Sucker MCs’ by Run DMC

– ‘Human Beatbox’ – Fat Boys

That album cover is more disturbing than this whole ‘open letters’ thing.

– Woman Who Occassionally Belts Out “YOU A FIVE DOLLAR BOY AND I’M A MILLION DOLLAR MAN, YOU A SUCKA MC!”

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Feel free to commiserate with your own open letter in the comments. I’ll feel slightly less insane.

See you in a few!

2 thoughts on “Open Letters”

  1. Now, don't you feel better? We have an ongoing series in our newspaper where subscribers can vent about whatever bugs them. Some of them are really funny while others I agree with 100%.

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