Dear Salmon Canneries,
It would be super awesome if you put a little note on your cans of salmon that said ‘THAR BE BONES IN THIS HERE CAN.’ Because you know what really sucks? Getting ready to make some delicious-ass salmon patties, lovingly mixing all the other ingredients in a bowl, opening a can of salmon and dumping it into the bowl and OH MY GOD THAT’S A BACKBONE.
I read that label twice to make sure there were no bones. You lie, salmon canning people of Alaska, you lie by omission.
– Me, The Girl Who Ate Potatoes for Dinner Instead
Dear Elderly Lady Person at Goodwill,
Oh just shut your face. When you stroll by with a cart half full and make a snide comment about how the store is just filled with other people’s junk…oh just shut your face. You are old enough to know better for Pete’s sake.
– The Chick Who Gave You Some Full-On Bitch Face After Hearing Your Ridiculous Remark
Dear ‘I Put Together Soundtracks for Video Games’ Person,
You are just horrible. I like to think that you mean well, but holy moly. I don’t even play video games, and somehow I learn the words to these songs by osmosis or something.
Here’s a list of my complaints, tentatively titled ‘Songs I Am Much Too White to Be Singing’
– ‘Play That Beat’ by G.L.O.B.E. & Whiz Kid
– ‘Sucker MCs’ by Run DMC
– ‘Human Beatbox’ – Fat Boys
That album cover is more disturbing than this whole ‘open letters’ thing.
– Woman Who Occassionally Belts Out “YOU A FIVE DOLLAR BOY AND I’M A MILLION DOLLAR MAN, YOU A SUCKA MC!”
Feel free to commiserate with your own open letter in the comments. I’ll feel slightly less insane.
See you in a few!