While there is seemingly nothing more annoying than a shoe whose sole squeaks on certain types of flooring, I do believe there is one other shoe-related noise that tops it.
The farting shoe.
It’s not the sole of the shoe, it’s the insole. And every time you step down, you hear a ‘poof’ sound. Like a fart. Really attractive. Walking around sounding like you have the walkin’ farts is going to win you lots of friends, lemme tell you.
This issue came to my attention when one of my favorite pairs of boots started making the Dreaded Fart Noise. In both boots. Every time I stepped down on the heel, there it was. I Googled, I asked, I searched, and could find nothing about shoes making a farting sound.
One day it dawned on me to check the insoles, and there it was – both had come completely loose. I figured gluing the original insoles (which are damned comfortable, FYI) would be a lot easier than buying new insoles and trying to cut them to fit the shape of a cowboy boot.
Now. It needs to be noted that what I’m about to tell you will only work if your shoes are making noise because of a loose insole. If you can’t figure out what’s causing the noise in your shoes, you may have to take them to a cobbler.
Ready to fix a farting shoe? To start, grab a tube of this:
Make sure you read the label that mentions all the ventilation/use this in California and DIE/use this and get high as a kite warnings. Did you know that you have to be 18 to buy Shoe Goo? Seriously. I watched my husband get carded over Shoe Goo.
Take the insoles out of your shoes. Aren’t those cute? They look like little Middle Eastern slippers.
Apply a thin layer of Shoe Goo with a popsicle stick. You don’t need to put the glue everywhere; just in the areas of the insole that actually lie flat against the sole. If that makes any sense.
And cram the insole back into the shoe, making sure to smush down the glue. Wait 24 hours. Impatiently. Then try the shoes on and see if they still make noise.
Even the dog is happy.